ATLmalcontent

The blogosphere says what else?

(A parody)

Dude, my name's Brad. I work with this fairy who's always whining about diversity and sensitivity and shit. He never laughs at anything. Cries a lot, though.

Just the other day I was telling a couple of my bros about me and my boys on the rugby team hitting on these whores at American Pie -- in case you're wondering, yeah, I put some points on the board -- and, anyway, the fairy overhears us and starts screaming at me about a hostile work environment.

I said, "Shut up, fag. We're just talkin." And he just screamed louder and threw a stapler at me. He throws like a girl, not very hard. So I caught the stapler and wouldn't give it back to him.

That just made him madder. He called me a brute, yelled, "Oh, why don't you evolve?" I said, "Dude, why don't you get a friggin life?"

The problem is they gave him some lame title like diversity coordinator at work. So he orders me into this office, turns off the lights and makes me watch some DVD about a giraffe that lives in a giraffe house, with real high ceilings and shit, and then some elephants come over and are all, like, make your house wider, dude, it's too tall and skinny. We can't fit. Whatever.

He explains to me how this is supposed to make me understand how different people need to understand and appreciate our differences and "embrace what makes us both different and alike in our humanity" or some crap. I told him he ain't no giraffe and I ain't no elephant and just take it easy, everything's cool.

He said everything is certainly not cool and wrote me up in some report. That sort of blew over, then the other day he's gathering up all his DVDs and brochures and junk about gays and foreigners religion and such. Said he's taking them to the beach. I said, dude, that ain't what I take to the beach. Maybe some videos but not that kind. Hah.

He said he feels alienated from his family and like an outcast and how I couldn't possibly understand, and how he wants to educate and enlighten them. I said, dude, I've had plenty of chicks cast me out, it ain't a big deal.

Whatever. He started tearing up talking about how they don't care that he's allergic to shellfish and sand and how he's hated the beach since his big brother put a little crab down his swimsuit as a kid. (Which I laughed at, and that just got him more upset.)

Anyhow, he's gone now. So work doesn't suck as much.

Brad, out.

The blogosphere says what?

Vacation, all I ever wanted? I wish, Belinda. I'm going down to Florida for the weekend with my horrible family, and it's got me feeling all poopy.

First of all, I'm offended they planned the family vacation at the beach, knowing that I'm allergic to shellfish (self-diagnosed). It's like they want me to be as uncomfortable as possible.

I can't be me down there. When I start crying they tell me not to be so sensitive. Can you believe that? They know how sensitive I am about people calling me sensitive. But they do it anyway. 

They don't like it when I talk about my sexual fetishes. Sorry, folks, but I'm not getting back in your closet. Yes, I enjoy felching. That's who I am -- deal with it!

I'm taking down some videos and books about tolerance and diversity that I'm going to insist they watch and read. Obviously, they need it. Maybe I can bring my family together. I've tried so hard, but they refuse to understand me. And that hurts, people.

Still, I'm doing my best to remain optimistic. Maybe, just maybe, I can finally get an apology from them for robbing me of my foreskin. It's the least they could do.

Please, everyone, think about me this weekend. I need your strength.

Enter Al Kosa

The Malcontent's Buffalo correspondent takes over for a few days while I'm at the beach. I'll leave you with ruminations from my favorite whiny bitch -- who, coincidentally, is also headed for Florida -- in the following post.

Queens of the Stone Age

The Taliban were very, very gay, as evidenced in this slide slow:

Headline du jour

A new low for Matt Drudge?

THE MAN THE MEDIA MURDERED: Richard Jewell Dead...

Actually, it was diabetes that killed Jewell. No doubt he was victimized by overzealous cops and sloppy journalism, but neither had anything to do with his death.

Are you liberal or conservative?

Some labels are appropriate. I am white, gay and Southern.

Politically, labels are irrelevant. What's conservative, for instance, about supporting torture, or denying science? What's liberal about downplaying the threat of radical Islam, or caving into politically correct thugs?

The divide between conservative and liberal once centered on the size of government. George W. Bush blurred that line. Trampled it, even. Each party, representing once-conflicting ideologies, supports big government (read: appeasing their donors). Partisan identification largely depends on which special interest groups you tolerate (teacher unions, or the religious right?) Reform is impossible, as the enablers from both parties collude to block it.

Neither side respects intellectual honesty. Love him (Bush) or leave it (the Republican Party). Same for the left (a liberal congressman sees signs of progress in Iraq and is targeted by a MoveOn.org ad campaign. That's what happens when you stray from the talking points).

The lemmings are in control. Well-funded lemmings. The result: two Stepford candidates that will try, and fail, to woo the majority middle while not offending their intractable bases. Even if a superficially interesting candidate emerges, the respective orthodoxies won't change, thanks to professional enablers and the dim mouthpieces dominating the airwaves.

It's democracy by Al Davis: Just win, baby!

None of us can afford to be naive, or disinterested, any longer. Unfortunately, we live in a country where most people are naive and disinterested. And the rest just want to belong.

Advantage: the lemmings.

One in four

According to polling data, a quarter of Americans believe:

*The Second Coming will occur this year

*Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday should not be a national holiday

*The U.S. has no moral responsibility to help improve the lives of people in poor nations

*The Jews are responsible for Jesus's death

*"[S]ome of the unidentified flying objects that have been reported are really space vehicles from other civilizations"

*Barry Bonds is a good guy

Most shockingly, 25 percent of Americans think George W. Bush is doing a good job.

Never offend a Muslim (cont'd)

Yet another spineless concession by the American media:

The Washington Post and several other newspapers around the country did not run Sunday's installment of Berkeley Breathed's "Opus," in which the spiritual fad-seeking character Lola Granola appears in a headscarf and explains to her boyfriend, Steve, why she wants to become a radical Islamist. ...

Sources told FOXNews.com that the strips were shown to Muslim staffers at The Washington Post to gauge their reaction, and they responded "emotionally" to the depiction of a woman dressed in traditional Muslim garb and espousing conservative Islamic views.

Nothing like journalists quashing free speech. And, pardon my insensitivity, but I'm beyond weary of Mulsims responding "emotionally." How about responding maturely for a change?

Headline du jour

100-year-old celebrates her birthday by smoking 170,000th cigarette

Have that woman arrested at once!

No cliche left behind

Does DRUDGE think he's being clever?

BROKEBACK BATHROOM: SENATOR BUSTED IN AIRPORT SEX STING...

CRAIG'S LIST: TERROR IN THE TOILETS...

His Own Private Idaho...

Terror in the toilets? Didn't know an old man looking for a hand job was such a threat. (And yes, I know the conservative Craig is a raging hypocrite, worthy of humiliation, but you can read about that 1,000 other places).