ATLmalcontent

Disney Meets Hip Hop

I could care less about Zac Efron and rapper Lil Wayne, but this article made me laugh, cringe and wonder about all the blurred lines in today's culture.

To whit:

At that very moment—as if on cue—the San Luis Obispo-born Efron himself emerges from Wayne’s den. I’ll later learn that the 20-year-old brunette heartthrob is crashing in Wayne’s guest room while the two work on their High School Musical songs together, but for now it’s like seeing a polar bear in the middle of the Brazilian rain forest.

“What’s up, my nigga?” Efron says, giving Wayne a pound, a hug, and then, to my astonishment, a full-on kiss, reminiscent of the one Wayne famously gave his surrogate father Baby last year. (Obviously, Efron is going to have to work harder to squelch rumors surrounding his sexual orientation.)

Admittedly, I'm a bit jealous of Wayne's lifestyle, though I can't imagine spending more than 10 seconds with the "Tiger Beat-er" du jour:

I get up in the morning, get my dick sucked four times, drink a Molson’s, and then hang out with Zac. What, do you want me to go to Hawaii for a vacation? You got a job, but this is my vacation right here.”

Adds Efron, “Word!”

Draw your own conclusions, or don't.

More Popular Than Elvis And The Beatles Combined

Thanks to the real axis of evil -- indulgent parents, spoiled tweens and shameless marketers -- Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter has become the biggest act to hit popular music since Zamfir retired his pan flute.

Washington parents are still feeling the sting of shelling out their hard-earned money for eBay tickets to the Hannah Montana show Jan. 7 at Verizon Center, $250 to $300 a pop. That's if they were lucky: One broker priced floor seats at $1,595 each. Elsewhere in the country where the "Best of Both Worlds Tour" is headed, seats were reselling for as much as $3,000. The national average hit $240, reportedly more than for Springsteen or Beyonce.

This is big. Beatles big, her promoter bragged.

What my princess wants, my princess gets!

A few days before Hannah Montana tickets went on sale this month, Ellicott City resident Catherine Parks went shopping at Columbia Mall. In nearly every store, moms were buzzing about how to get special pre-sale ticket codes off the fan Web site and whether they'd have to resort to paying a scalper if they failed.

Then she went down to the food court. While her daughter ate her Happy Meal, a woman at the next table flipped open her cellphone to plot her strategy. Parks felt panic set in.

"I started to get freaked out," she said. " 'What am I going to do if I don't get these tickets?' "

She ended up winning one of the codes on eBay and bought her tickets on the fan site before they went on sale to the general public. Her son and daughter, ages 9 and 3, will be ferried to the Hannah Montana concert in a rented stretch limousine.

(If you think Ms. Parks is a good mother, please, don't have kids of your own.)

Thanks to MP3 players and cellphones, kids-oriented satellite radio and portable DVD players, advertisers have nearly unfettered access to the giggling demographic group. Experts say tweens represent $39 billion in buying power that comes from allowances and gifts from indulgent parents and grandparents. And because moms, more than ever, consult with them on anything from their favorite juice to shampoo, they influence family buying decisions for billions more.

Is it too late for grownups to reclaim the culture? Probably so, since "adults" -- at least many of those with children -- seem all too happy to cede control.

Don't Cha Wish Your 5th Grader Was a Slut Like Them?

Now Victoria's Secret is directing some its marketing toward tweens:

Victoria's Secret's Pink line, launched in 2004, has bloomed into a $1 billion brand. The company publicly promotes Pink to college kids, but dog prints, slumber party pj's, sweats aping soccer attire, camis and panties in ice cream-cone packaging suggest a decidedly younger demographic.

Have we mentioned that there are dress-up dolls "plush and pretty for the ultimate girly-girl?" Sure, that's what every college sophomore desires.

I'll resist another predictable tirade against sexualizing girls. Instead, I'll leave you with a challenge.

If you see any little girls dressed up as whores or strippers for Halloween, find their parents and give them a long, unflinching glare. Maybe even a wag of the finger. They deserve it.

And not just for the sake of their children, but yours. Best to thin out the pool of potential "Real World" cast members while you still have some influence.

On Saggy Pants, Obama and the Petty Queer Establishment

What's the connection between fashion, a presidential candidate and an ineffective special interest group? I'll do my best to navigate.

Item One: Song Links Saggy Pants to Being Gay

A new campaign by the city of Dallas targets the hip-hop style of wearing your pants low enough that your boxers are showin — and part of your posterior, too.

The campaign has a signature song, "Pull Your Pants Up," by Dooney Da' Priest, that links so-called saggin' with being gay. ...

An accompanying billboard says it's rude to be "walking around showin' your behind to other dudes." The song's refrain is "Be a real man — pull your pants up."

In an interview with a local television station, Dooney explained that saggin' comes from jail, where he argued that showing your boxers has a very particular meaning. "You're letting another man know that you're available," Dooney said.

Homophobia is a major problem in the black community, one that's largely ignored. It presents a real dilemma for the PC crowd, and for Democrats, as African-Americans and gays are among the party's most loyal constituencies.

Item Two: A black preacher campaigning for Barack Obama believes gays can be converted.

This has caused quite an uproar among liberal bloggers, and it's certainly an issue worth addressing. But why now, and why Obama?

Item Three: The Human Rights Campaign (which conveniently shares an acronym with its in-house candidate for president) issues ultimatum to Obama: Cancel the event with gospel singer/minister Donnie McClurkin, or else we'll get really, really mad.

There's not much the HRC should, or could, do. However, they've put Obama in an uncomfortable situation, which is fine, but why were they silent when Hillbot touted an endorsement by a homophobic preacher? (Note that Obama didn't attend the event where McClurkin appeared.)   

"In this game, all candidates have been associated with homophobes. For instance, Hillary Clinton recently trumpeted her friendship with Harold Mayberry, of the First African Methodist Church in Oakland; her press release on the meeting/endorsement left out the fact that Mayberry believes homosexuality to be comparable to thievery."

Rest assured, the HRC is deep in HRC's pocket. Any credibility they might've had is sullied; besides, no organization should claim to speak for an entire group, particularly one as feckless and conflicted as the Human Rights Campaign.   

Regardless, the gay community should ask -- or, in indignation-speak, demand -- why the HRC supports a candidate intimately aligned with the administration responsible for "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and The Defense of Marriage Act. Obama's record on gay rights is more progressive and consistent, though he shouldn't take the HRC's snub personally -- the fix was in long before he entered the race.

If you're fine with powerful lobbyists telling you how to vote, then by all means, choose Hillbot. Just don't be so brainwashed to think you're voting for change.       

Yet another snapshot of the decline of Western civilization

Guess what's the most viewed story on the L.A. Times website, as of 11:30 a.m. EST?

- Seven clues that 'Potter's' Dumbledore was gay

Understandable, I guess -- it's not like there's anything major happening in Southern California right now.

On bisexual whores, New Jersey and reality TV

As a certified pop culture critic (self-proclaimed), I had no choice but to watch the "groundbreaking" new reality dating show on MTV featuring self-proclaimed Internet diva Tila Tequila.

Unlike the rest of the sluts who populate the one-time music channel, Tequila is openly bisexual (we're supposed to be impressed by her honesty, even though bisexuality is a myth embraced by insecure nymphomaniacs). Her show features hetero male and lesbian contestants vying for Tila's affection and a weeklong stint on the Z-List.

Anyway, with the aid of a stiff Vodka Gatorade (or "Vodkade"), I endured the cheese, spotting a couple of disturbing trends. One has been steadily developing -- the Jersey-ification of pop culture, as evidenced by Tequila's paramours. Surely you've noticed how virtually every wannabe star either hails from or is inspired by the Garden State (or its Southern affiliate, Orlando). Witness the enduring popularity of Bon Jovi.

I expected better from the dykes, who proved to be every bit as cheesy as your stereotypical gay man. Whatever happened to Sapphic nobility? Equality can be so depressing.

So is the Tila Tequila show. If your kids dream of fame and lack talent, you can either: A.) be a good parent and lock them in the basement or B.) embrace your inner stage mother and teach them how to work the pole. Those who choose the latter best not procrastinate; whoredom requires dedication, and the competition is fierce, whether you're gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual, transgendered or as-yet-to-be identified.

omigod, omigod you guys ...

Did you hear the groundbreaking news? A major character from the Harry Potter series has been outed!

If you've reached puberty, and don't have kids, I expect you to be underwhelmed (besides, Dorothy's entourage from "The Wizard of Oz" has Dumblefuck beat by seven decades). Once again, I expect too much, as demonstrated a few years back while in the skies above Winnipeg.

I was assigned to share an armrest with a portly prostyletizer devouring JK Rowling's latest. We chatted briefly before I revealed my dark secret. "You mean you've never read a Harry Potter book?"

I was prepared.

"I'd like to, but I'm still working my way through 'Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.'" She laughed, which disappointed me since I was attempting to communicate elitist disdain.

Age hasn't softened my condescension. Adults who read children's books should at least pretend to be embarrassed, just as thirtysomethings who play fantasy baseball (damn mirror) should resist mocking the way strangers spend their spare time.

*I'm curious what local fundamentalist crusader Laura Mallory thinks about Rowling's revelation? Is there anything more insidious than a queer warlock? Two words: Paul Lynde.

Won't somebody please think of the children?

Cap du jour

Finally, some closure on that Anna Nicole Smith story: 

Noted and quoted, VERY politically incorrect edition

"Rich bitch don't wanna eat? Fuck 'em!"

--George Carlin, who has little tolerance for America's monopoly on eating disorders.

Likewise, I feel no sympathy for Double Wide Spears; some overly sensitive types are upset that critics dared judge her physical appearance in their reviews of the pop star's ill-fated comeback. Hell, she got off easy. They could've focused on her obvious lack of talent.

Spears, like many of her contemporaries, has nothing to offer save sex appeal. Now she's lost that.

Live by the silicone, die by the trans fat. Seems fair to me. 

The pedophiliacation of America

The other day I overheard two adults enthusiastically dissect "High School Musical 2." As far as I could tell, they didn't have kids. I'm glad they were strangers.

Then I perused some celebrity magazines. The star of the Disney franchise, Zac Efron, graced virtually every cover. I think he's legal, but he doesn't look it. Regardless, I found it a bit creepy that a kid named Zac has graduated from tween wet dream to full-blown sex symbol (according to People, Rolling Stone, et al) overnight.

Perhaps I'm being a prude, but it seems the trend toward sexualizing the young is starting to blossom in the culture at large. Kids are being Abercrombie and Fitched, while adults resist maturity at every turn. I've been guilty (surely I'm not the only thirtysomething who's watched "Laguna Beach").

While any red-blooded male might be tempted by a hot 18-year-old, I'd like to think I'd hold out for someone of drinking age, at least.

Alas, I face no such dilemmas. Besides, he'd probably be too experienced for me.

(Yes, I'm aware pedophiliacation is not a word, though I deserve some credit for not posting a shirtless pic of Zac Efron.)